from the bottom of my heart & the middle of Ecuador

I feel my body changing, which is good because my mind & soul certainly are & what a shame it'd be if they left their clothes behind!


 A few things have been leading up to this, but I feel that I am finally sitting, looking at the life around me & simply accepting & enjoying it. I have always chased it, quickly, not thinking about the consequences & wanting to feel alive all of the time. Last summer was the essence of this Lauren in the mountains of California. I was in a world with no cares. Every day was beautiful, there were granite mountains & melting snow feeding my body. I got to play in the woods with kids all day for goodness sake! I smile just thinking about it, but I was chasing then. I think the chase was necessary for me to feel good about sitting: "One should make no effort obtain pleasure, for that would be a waste of life & would not bring the supreme peace that springs alone from the Lord's lotus feet", Sage Prahlada. All I did was chase pleasure, causing many disruptions & wreaking havoc in any small amount of peace I thought I had. Now I'm here, at peace.

I'm not sure what changed in the last 6 months, but I know it's not just one thing. Maybe it was ChelsTan living with me before she left for Thailand & feeling so at home with my best friend. It was nice just to listen to her talk or exchange new songs or hear her excitement when she learned to play a new song on her "gitfiddle" (her word, not mine). That's block one.

Then I was alone. So alone. Everyone needs to be alone sometimes, but with her across the world & Jesse far away in a different way, I had to figure out what I wanted. Chels had made me start going to yoga, I was learning how to teach, reading a ton, writing even more, listening to teenagers whom I love & professors I respect. This was my element: being a student & a teacher (can I be a student-teacher forever, Peg Graham?). I also made new friends which was nice. My new friends talked about books with me & we all went to bed at 9:30 after doing lesson plans with a glass of wine in one hand & fears/anxiety in the other (what can I say, English teachers). I screwed up....a lot. I had a few meltdowns (thank goodness only one was at school during lunch time, not in front of students, the rest were in the car going home). Jesse never left my side, always supportive of my teaching ways, understanding my obsessions with doing well, but calming me when I didn't with his overt simplicity: "Lauren, it's only one day", "Lauren, don't give yourself so much credit for screwing them up", & my favorite, "Laur, be OK with being OK." I'm not as much of a perfectionist as my parents or my sister, but I have always wanted to be the BEST at my job: the best counselor, the best leader, the best student, & now, the best teacher. I will never be the best, but I will be OK, & that is OK. Yes, I still want to be awesome & I will try really hard to keep those kids interested & learning every day, but I am OK with that not always turning out how I wanted it to. I am figuring out who I am as a teacher, as a daughter, as a friend, as a traveler, as a yogi, as a sister, as a student...& that is OK.

< in California, eatin' chips on a rock in a one piece

In other words, I think I may be growing up. Not in that "I'm gonna get maried & never have fun again" way of being a grown up, but in that "Hello, my name is Lauren, & I know who I am" kind of way ["The happiness which is like poison at first & like nectar at the end, which springs from a clear understanding of the Self, is said to be of the nature of 'goodness' (satva)", Bhagavad-Gita]. A lot of people don't find this, or search for it forever, but I have been exposed to some beautiful places & amazing (& terrible) people in my life that have brought out parts of me I loved &/or hated. It's important to know who you don't want to be just as it is important to know who you DO want to be. I want to say thank you, to everyone, even the people I can't say thank you to because they're gone (Coach West, my Nana & Papa), I don't know where they are anymore (those two girls from my first year at Camp Kudzu that were an Athiest Asian & a quiet, funny black chica, they were my friends who weren't from Blairsville & were nothing like any Blairsvillians), & people who I hold so close I probably suffocate them (Chels T, Chels V, Sambo, Jesse, Zady Nash, Mom, Dad, Mamaw, Jen Jen, Tu Tu, Professors George & Peg, English Ed Cohort).

Then there are the people who brought out the worst in me. I won't name them, but I love them all the same for showing me who I don't want to be. There are also far away people that I don't hate, but they sailed through my life & left a distinct mark not unlike a death-eater mark (Harry Potter ref, thanks Lawson & Chels V for making me read them). These people are probably the most special to me because I think about them so often even though I do not see or talk to them anymore. Ben Clements is a prime example. He really taught me how to be a leader & teacher. He cared, was selfless, funny, & would do anything to help out kids learn in the woods. He had convictions he didn't waiver on (LNT nut) & showed so much patience & put faith in me like no one ever did before. He'll never know what he meant to me. Jenn Morrell...my Kudzu woman. Always gave me a place to stay in Boston, always kind, the absolute epitome of selfless...if there is an angel in this world, it's here. Tom, you're in Japan, but I owe my adventures partially to you. Kayce/Court/Tay/Caleb/Cody/Kaley...my high school sweet hearts. Even if we never see each other again, I love all so much for putting up with me back in those days...I was such a drag & you loved me anyways. Cody/Tay/Caleb, if you're reading this, I know you're laughing & that's why I like ya, you humble me. Kayce/Court/Sully, if you're reading, I know you're wishing you were here with me, & I wish it, too. Especially you Kayce/Court, you two deserve to get away together to just smile for weeks.

I guess what started as an attempt to figure out what changed in my life to get me here (& by here I don't just mean Ecuador I also mean my mental/spiritual state, but mainly I do mean Ecuador) turned into a big thank-you note. I do graduate in May, so I guess I'll be sending formal invites/thank you's soon, but formal ain't my way. So thanks everybody. Thanks also to books for letting me read them, drop them in water, write in them, & finish them. Thanks for notebooks, for letting my pen scrawl all over you. Thanks to Pfizer for letting my dad work for you & get me through college. Thanks divine & plants, for letting me breathe in new air every day. Thanks body, for letting me live in you for a little but. Thanks everything, a big thanks. Now, I'm going to give myself a hug & you should, too. Close your eyes, say a thank you for what you are, & then smile.

I promise not to be so gooey next time, but I had to get it out of me because I'm not dead & stuff. "One should cultivate the highest good while the sense are not yet frail, suffering is not yet firmly rooted, and adversities have not yet become overwhelming", Kula-Arnava-Tantra.

Simplicty. Patience. Compassion.