from the bottom of my heart & the middle of Ecuador

I feel my body changing, which is good because my mind & soul certainly are & what a shame it'd be if they left their clothes behind!


 A few things have been leading up to this, but I feel that I am finally sitting, looking at the life around me & simply accepting & enjoying it. I have always chased it, quickly, not thinking about the consequences & wanting to feel alive all of the time. Last summer was the essence of this Lauren in the mountains of California. I was in a world with no cares. Every day was beautiful, there were granite mountains & melting snow feeding my body. I got to play in the woods with kids all day for goodness sake! I smile just thinking about it, but I was chasing then. I think the chase was necessary for me to feel good about sitting: "One should make no effort obtain pleasure, for that would be a waste of life & would not bring the supreme peace that springs alone from the Lord's lotus feet", Sage Prahlada. All I did was chase pleasure, causing many disruptions & wreaking havoc in any small amount of peace I thought I had. Now I'm here, at peace.

I'm not sure what changed in the last 6 months, but I know it's not just one thing. Maybe it was ChelsTan living with me before she left for Thailand & feeling so at home with my best friend. It was nice just to listen to her talk or exchange new songs or hear her excitement when she learned to play a new song on her "gitfiddle" (her word, not mine). That's block one.

Then I was alone. So alone. Everyone needs to be alone sometimes, but with her across the world & Jesse far away in a different way, I had to figure out what I wanted. Chels had made me start going to yoga, I was learning how to teach, reading a ton, writing even more, listening to teenagers whom I love & professors I respect. This was my element: being a student & a teacher (can I be a student-teacher forever, Peg Graham?). I also made new friends which was nice. My new friends talked about books with me & we all went to bed at 9:30 after doing lesson plans with a glass of wine in one hand & fears/anxiety in the other (what can I say, English teachers). I screwed up....a lot. I had a few meltdowns (thank goodness only one was at school during lunch time, not in front of students, the rest were in the car going home). Jesse never left my side, always supportive of my teaching ways, understanding my obsessions with doing well, but calming me when I didn't with his overt simplicity: "Lauren, it's only one day", "Lauren, don't give yourself so much credit for screwing them up", & my favorite, "Laur, be OK with being OK." I'm not as much of a perfectionist as my parents or my sister, but I have always wanted to be the BEST at my job: the best counselor, the best leader, the best student, & now, the best teacher. I will never be the best, but I will be OK, & that is OK. Yes, I still want to be awesome & I will try really hard to keep those kids interested & learning every day, but I am OK with that not always turning out how I wanted it to. I am figuring out who I am as a teacher, as a daughter, as a friend, as a traveler, as a yogi, as a sister, as a student...& that is OK.

< in California, eatin' chips on a rock in a one piece

In other words, I think I may be growing up. Not in that "I'm gonna get maried & never have fun again" way of being a grown up, but in that "Hello, my name is Lauren, & I know who I am" kind of way ["The happiness which is like poison at first & like nectar at the end, which springs from a clear understanding of the Self, is said to be of the nature of 'goodness' (satva)", Bhagavad-Gita]. A lot of people don't find this, or search for it forever, but I have been exposed to some beautiful places & amazing (& terrible) people in my life that have brought out parts of me I loved &/or hated. It's important to know who you don't want to be just as it is important to know who you DO want to be. I want to say thank you, to everyone, even the people I can't say thank you to because they're gone (Coach West, my Nana & Papa), I don't know where they are anymore (those two girls from my first year at Camp Kudzu that were an Athiest Asian & a quiet, funny black chica, they were my friends who weren't from Blairsville & were nothing like any Blairsvillians), & people who I hold so close I probably suffocate them (Chels T, Chels V, Sambo, Jesse, Zady Nash, Mom, Dad, Mamaw, Jen Jen, Tu Tu, Professors George & Peg, English Ed Cohort).

Then there are the people who brought out the worst in me. I won't name them, but I love them all the same for showing me who I don't want to be. There are also far away people that I don't hate, but they sailed through my life & left a distinct mark not unlike a death-eater mark (Harry Potter ref, thanks Lawson & Chels V for making me read them). These people are probably the most special to me because I think about them so often even though I do not see or talk to them anymore. Ben Clements is a prime example. He really taught me how to be a leader & teacher. He cared, was selfless, funny, & would do anything to help out kids learn in the woods. He had convictions he didn't waiver on (LNT nut) & showed so much patience & put faith in me like no one ever did before. He'll never know what he meant to me. Jenn Morrell...my Kudzu woman. Always gave me a place to stay in Boston, always kind, the absolute epitome of selfless...if there is an angel in this world, it's here. Tom, you're in Japan, but I owe my adventures partially to you. Kayce/Court/Tay/Caleb/Cody/Kaley...my high school sweet hearts. Even if we never see each other again, I love all so much for putting up with me back in those days...I was such a drag & you loved me anyways. Cody/Tay/Caleb, if you're reading this, I know you're laughing & that's why I like ya, you humble me. Kayce/Court/Sully, if you're reading, I know you're wishing you were here with me, & I wish it, too. Especially you Kayce/Court, you two deserve to get away together to just smile for weeks.

I guess what started as an attempt to figure out what changed in my life to get me here (& by here I don't just mean Ecuador I also mean my mental/spiritual state, but mainly I do mean Ecuador) turned into a big thank-you note. I do graduate in May, so I guess I'll be sending formal invites/thank you's soon, but formal ain't my way. So thanks everybody. Thanks also to books for letting me read them, drop them in water, write in them, & finish them. Thanks for notebooks, for letting my pen scrawl all over you. Thanks to Pfizer for letting my dad work for you & get me through college. Thanks divine & plants, for letting me breathe in new air every day. Thanks body, for letting me live in you for a little but. Thanks everything, a big thanks. Now, I'm going to give myself a hug & you should, too. Close your eyes, say a thank you for what you are, & then smile.

I promise not to be so gooey next time, but I had to get it out of me because I'm not dead & stuff. "One should cultivate the highest good while the sense are not yet frail, suffering is not yet firmly rooted, and adversities have not yet become overwhelming", Kula-Arnava-Tantra.

Simplicty. Patience. Compassion. 

alarms going off.

Yesterday my dear friend & fellow teacher, Kat, was robbed on a main street near a park in Quito at 5 p.m. I had gotten off the bus & said goodbye to her around 4:30 to pick up a package & lug it 8 km back home. I wasn't going to walk, but the traffic was bad, the weather was beautiful, & I had just bought a delicious pastry so I decided walking would be best. I got home around 6, met the other student teachers for trivia at 8, & Kat didn't seem a bit shaken. She referred to a robbery when she talking to her cousin & that's when I asked her what the was talking about:

Parque de Carolina, cerca Amazonas

Amazonas is one of the main roads, always jammed with carros, motos, taxis, bicicletas, & pedestrians. It runs by a mall, a park, a movie theater, & many other buildings & restaurants. At 5:00 pm she left to meet her friend for dinnner & as she walked toward her house on Amazonas two men parted for her & she said she immediately felt strange about it. Seconds later one had grabbed her, put a knife to her throat, & the other starting demanding & taking everything from her. She´s a little girl, very pretty, & could probably befriend the devil, but she said she just gave them everything then they told her to go away. As she told the story, her cousin told me that you have no choice but to give everything because otherwise you WILL get stabbed, shot, taken, whatever. At first I thought these were generic warnings given to tourists, but this is KAT! Strong, awesome, Kat. So the guys told her to go away & she stood there in shook, everything she´d lost running through her mind. A man on a bike apparently saw them take off with her stuff because he took off after the men & started yelling at the police ahead to stop them., they did, got the stolen goods back, slapped one of the guys for yelling rude Spanish slang at Kat & then LET THEM GO.  < Kat

I don't know if it is my love for Kat that's gotten me all shook up or the fact that I have been walking everywhere & acting all resilient & tough because I'm big & have a knife, but I am ready to leave Quito. The city could be beautiful, but the people are suffocating it & me. The buildings upon buildings, people grabbing you, no room to breathe outside...all of it. It is a city I suppose like most others, but it is still different here. I am paranoid everywhere, my heart beats quicker, I am suspicious of everyone,  &I am constantly putting my hand in my pockets & purse to make sure no one has stole my pancreas or meter or wallet. Today at school I decided to plan trips to the jungle, beach, small towns every weekend just to be able to breathe. Even my family here is pushing these boundaries that I have no control over. Yes, it is a cultural thing, but there is also universal respect for others, & grabbing someone, making catcalls, crimes all the time, the stares...there is no respect. It has definitely impacted my teaching & what I expect of my students. Yesterday they were disrespectful so I talked to the leaders in the group & made daily individual/class grades for being disrespectful to me & each other, so today was better in that respect.

Headed here this weekend to excape the scary> 
I just need to let my itchy legs get away, my poor mind needs room to roam, & then, hopefully, the classroom will seem less hostile without constant car alarms for a weekend. I am learning, though...this I know.

Alone?

This week was my first solo excursion in a few ways. As I wrote in an earlier entry, I love my children. As the week progressed, they started testing my boundaries, but we had fun & they learned a lot about the history surrounding "A Raisin in the Sun" & we took a look at "A Dream Deferred," but that didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I'm still trying to figure out how to do the sharing thing when I put the kids into groups because they seem to get bored when a group presents in front of the whole class, even when it takes 3 minutes. They only want to hear themselves talk...not sure what to do about this.

I also had the 7th graders on Friday because my teacher took a sick day. In other words, I was alone in the class all day with every class. I was so excited & the day started off great with the first 7th grade class. My teacher didn't leave any lesson plans because she does the same thing every day: read & discuss. Since they are reading "Flowers for Algernon," I thought we could do more with the allotted 90 minute class period. We read & talked for the first 40 minutes, then I had them draw what they thought two of the characters from the story looked like. After they were done, some of them showed off their pictures and explained why they gave so & so glasses or why Charlie was bald, etc. I thought they were great & they really wanted to read some more. After we got to a particularly interesting part in the book, I made them stop. I thought that this would make them more eager to read on Monday. Then we did a "chalk talk" with the word "Intelligence." I skewed this one a little by asking them which words they thought Charlie has, was going to have, or would never have. They were really into it & some of them asked to read more before class ended instead of playing the game they asked to play at the beginning of the day. CRAZY RIGHT!?  Since there were only 5 minutes left in class, I let the ones who wanted to read read & the others play mafia mainly because they had been so awesome with me & I'm not even their teacher.

As for the 8th graders, I want to continue to do group work with them because they enjoyed the prezi & 2 truths & a lie learning stations we did (below).

Lorraine Hansberry "2 truths & a lie" station

Civil Rights Movement prezi station

In other news, this weekend was the birthday of one of the girls in the program (Brittany) so we all went out Saturday night to celebrate her birthday. Basically we danced until around midnight & we were all tired & sweaty. Us 5 chicas pretty much danced & sang to all the songs in English & pretended to know what all of the others were saying. We jumped, we got balloons, we eyeballed my weirdos...but we've mastered turning down weird Ecuadorians who want to dance: we bring one of our host brothers or cousins & he is our bodyguard. I really love the girls in the program & it's nice because we're all so different, yet we're all teachers so we like to have fun & get a good nights rest. 

Today my body HURT. I did yoga & so much dancing yesterday so my legs & back felt so stiff, but Carol, Kat, & I walked a million miles today so I expect to be even more sore tomorrow :] We walked all the way to the Southern most part of Quito where all of the churches, museums, & Virgen Mary statues are. There are also a lot of amazing restaurants down an alley on that side of town called La Ruba. We had lunch in a small place with lots of windows & fresh air, good smelling food, plants, a spiral staircase, everything one would want in a teeny tiny lunch spot. I got llapangachos because they're my favorite Ecuadorian dish with plantains, avacado, & some tender pork. Carol got some really good lamb & kat got seabass with a delicious mushroom sauce. I have also taken to getting Jugo de Guanabana at every meal (especially after a day of walking) because it's one of my favorite fruits here & all the juices are like smoothies. All of this for $7 & a sunburn, a small price to pay for some yum & buildings that are beautiful at the old age of 500. 

I've also noticed that I really want to venture in any sanctuary or museum not because I feel especially compelled to pray or read about the history of Ecuador in a language I don't understand, but rather because Quito has started making my body ache for isolation. Yesterday I started planning my trip for Isla de Plata, the "poor man's Galapagos." It's cheap ($8 bus ride to the coast, $32 round trip boat ride to the island & $4 a night at a hostel vs. $2000 Gallapagos...decision made). I saw pictures of the huge rocks, waves, blue footed boobies, & humpback whales. As scared as my parents are for me to go alone, I couldn't be more excited. There is no such thing as being "alone" in Quito. Saturday I did a little yoga in the dining room & I tried really hard to only listen to my head, but the constant car alarms & shouting outside creeps always creeps in. Even when I'm in my room I'm never alone because I can always hear my family shouting from upstairs to downstairs or they'll come in without warning while I'm reading or writing or just relaxing. It's part of the culture, a part I definitely could do without. I don't mind the personal bubble part because I like getting a kiss on the cheek everytime I say hello or goodbye, but when I get home from school I just want to be alone in my own head & that's nearly impossible in Quito & in my home. 

sanctuary

simplicity. patience. compassion.

Laurennnn

SOLO PROFESSORA!

My first two days of solo teaching the 8^th graders has gone beautifully...much better than I imagined really. Every teaching in the middle grades hates the 8B class, but I think I might love them. They talk a lot, but sometimes teachers who are annoyed or are tired of dealing with kids in general forget what it's like to have students who just sit there & look at you (2^nd period 11^th grade honors last semester...grrrr) instead of want to talk, even if it is at the same time, about what we're talking about in class. That's what's so cool about them, they are REEEEALLY interested in what we're learning, they want to know more. Yesterday the 8As who I also like a lot but so does everyone got through everything I planned- The intro of myself, the unit, chalk talk, & a little info about the origins of “The American Dream.” The 8Bs however only got through the unit intro because they were being so inquisitive: What is diabetes? What is your camp called? Are you a hippy? What's your sister's name? What's your cousin's name? It was cool & new....they were actually interested in what I was telling them. Then when we moved to the unit intro, that transcended to the next issue: Who wrote this play? Are we going to go outside? Can we watch videos? Can we do group work? They were actually investing in what I asked them to do: Make expectations for me & for their unit. I'm impressed really & also a little worried about why all the teacher hate their class if I have started loving them individually & as a group, especially the kid that teachers hate the most: Ricardo. Ricardo volunteered to read, to answer, he asked questions, he offeredn any previous knowledge he had, he said yes ma'am...it was cool. I really love it here & being here makes me realize that I am most definitely supposed to be a teacher & I really like these younger kids. I remember last semester I was really excited to have 11^th graders, but I ended up liking my 9^th graders way more. I also think I like these kids so much because half the time they are explaining things to each other in Spanish so they can understand better & they are very humble about what they have left to learn. Yesterday I heard some of the teachers bitching about how these kids are so spoiled & hard to deal with. I want to ask these teachers the last time they taught American students. I'm almost positive the answer will either be “5 years” or “never.” I don't care how Ecuadorian rich these kids are, they are so not spoiled compared to the little shit heads that I taught at Apalachee. They were suucchhh shit heads compared to these kids who are not only eager to learn but RESPECT you as a teacher (I know, respect, seems crazy right?). I have yet to figure out what grade or types of kids I will be teaching in the future, but if it's 8^th grade ESL kids forever, that will be awesome.

I can also feel my optimism & excitement about the 8^th graders annoying my MT who really hates them. She, however, makes them sit in their desks, face the front & listen to her for 45 or 90 minutes. I would be mean to her, too. After class I asked them how it could go better, what they liked, etc. & one two of the girls that are pretty talkative said “class was awesome & fun today!”, “Let's do our journals at the beginning, but I liked this prompt,” “Those videos were cool.” I smiles :]

So here's what we did...

At the beginning of class, we picked up where we left off yesterday with chalk talk about “The American Dream.” They wrote some pretty funny stuff: “America” (duh), “The Simpsons” (the kid that wrote this said that The Simpsons was what he wrote because they're a family with jobs), “McDonalds”, “hamburgers” (two girls wrote these & they said that people with American Dream have food & that McDonalds did so well in American that now it's everywhere), “Money” (someone in both classes wrote money), “Broadway” (this kid said he wrote that because people who've reached the American Dream live in NY & go to plays), and “dog” (everyone in America has dogs, right). After talking about why we put this, we broke into two groups (there are only 13 kids in this class, 2 were absent, so two groups was fine) & they either watched a prezi on the Civil Rights Movement or played "2 truths and a lie" about Lorraine Hansberry. Afterwards, we watched a video made by a senior about the Civil Rights Movement. They got really into this, asked a lot of "why" questions that a lot of their peers tried to answer. 

After re-joining as a class, the kids shared what they found interesting, cool, or disturbing about what they had learned in their groups with the other group. It went really well & we even had time left in the first half so we listened to Nina Simone's "Young, Gifted, and Black" & they read the lyrics. They made some god connections (trying to inspire & tell other that they can be black & taleneted, etc.) so I was really excited about the next half of the period. 

After their break, I showed them a prezi that was basically a bunch of youtube videos about different elements of a play & how to read it. They got really into it (link to prezi). In other words, class was great for the 8Bers & the 8Aers were OK too even though they only got to do the first half of the lesson. I'm excited for this unit of learning!

Mindo- OH MIS DIOS!

Let me start at the beginning of this lovely weekend of TRUE giggling & smiling. Yesterday we got into Mindo, a small jungle town about an hour & a half Northwest of Quito. It's completely different from Quito in a very good way...less people, safe, right smack in the middle of the rainforest & the people seem calm, content, & happy. When we got here, we checked in to our hostal called the Birdwatcher's Hostal (which if you ever go to Mindo, this is THE place to stay). It's owned by this sweet family (2 bros + mom/dad). The dad is an ex-policeman, the mom cooks food, & the son plays music/speaks english to the gringos/us :]

After we checked in, we went to the smallest/best place for food in Mindo. A little boy that was 10 years old took our order & we watched them grill our peces (fish), chocho (corn), carne (meant), y bananas verde all outside on hot lava rocks (see picture). It was an elderly woman and two little boys making the food...I ordered grilled chocho con queso (corn with cheese and parmasean) y patacones (fried plantains) & I ate every single crumb (It was $2.50 by the way). The whole family seemsed so happy, sititng around cooking, eating, talking to locals, drinking beer....so relxed. After all that food, we came back & slept/read in our hammocks. We were going to go to a chocolate tour, but we decided drink our $5 box of Ecuador cabernet instead which was a great because we drank it walking to el concierto de la rana where they only gave us a little wine. It was fate, though, because at the frog concert we met a twelve year-old nino named Steban. This kid was the essence of a perfect student/teacher/human. He was our teacher/guide for the frog conert, bringing us on a night hike & teaching us everything he knew about spiders, frogs, the plants, bacteria, water...EVERYTHING. He didn't go to school very often because he liked learning on his walks mostly (an experiential educators dream, right!). So now this blog entry is mainly going to be about two people that we met at the frog concert & spent the whole next day with: Steban y Laura. After our night with the frogs & bugs & a stick that glowed in the dark (yes, it glowed in the dark because of the microbacteria on it...only on dying plants. Granted I heard all of this en Espanol but I saw this glowing stick with mi ojos, it was awesome). We asked Steban if he'd hang out with us today because we wanted him to take us to all of his favorite places & a chick named Laura from Buenas Aires wanted to come, too. Immediately I fell in love with both of these humans. I spoke Spanish with them a lot the next day so that was encouraging.

That night we were all so exhausted (I literally fell asleep in the shower mainly because of wine, walking, & how warm it was). The next morning el madre de hostal made us desayuno of pan con jam, bananas, deviled eggs, queso, jugo, cafe, & yuca. It was delicious. Then we met Steban y Laura in el parque at 9 a.m. By 11:30 we had walked 3 KM & zip-lined through the canopies (10 zip-lines for $10!). At first I didn't want to do this because I'd wanted to hike around/explore, but I was glad I did it because you could see a lot of the rainforest from a totally differnet perspecive up there- it was awesome. The guides let us superman (they called us superchicas) or mariposa (upside down superman backwards) through the jungle so we could look down at el rio pequino y banana trees & all the plantas. We could see all of Mindo from there...it was beautiful. They let Steban come for free & he had a lot of fun giggling with us. Laura was also smiling the whole time. This 26 year old Argentine was not only gorgeous with short curly hair, artisitc, & funny, she also had the aura of love around her. She's this skateboarder with a pierced lip who goes to school & works on films in Buenos Aires. She's traveling all around Ecuador by herself & told us about places we should visit (like Isla de Palta/Playa los Frailes instead of Galapagos because it's a less touristy/cheaper island with the same wildlife). She was a total free spirit, a happy lady that wrote a lot & was very curious. I think I'm in love with her.

After the canopies we walked about 3 more km to the cascades which were beautiful. We were in the clouds so it was pouring rain, but my kayaking friends would have been aching to climb in their boats & jump in this huge river. It was smaller than the kings in CA, but it has just as much water pumping through it. Apparently there are 3 big cascades there, but we were so tired to we only saw 2 & called it a day. Brittany & I got in the waterfall pool even thought it was freezing, but how many opporunities do you get to be in an Ecuadorian waterfall pool, really? There was un perro (a dog) that followed us from Mindo all the way to the cascades. We fed him some sausage (yeah, there were kabobs of sausage & plantains on the way down the trail...like I said, I BELONG here).

 Steban y Laura found a truck that would bring us back down the mountain which was great because we'd walked something like 7 km up the mountain in the rain only on brekfast & sausage kabobs. The truck ride was cool because we flew down the mountain listening to French music & I was laughing so hard, taking the moment to just enjoy how great the days was with all of these people I'd fallen in love with in the back of a truck. I have a problem with always looking ahead ("I can't wait to start teaching Monday!" "I'm so hungry/tired & ready to eat/sleep!", etc.), so this was a rare & special moment for me to realize how blissfully happy, wet, & giggly I was just to be completely exhaused from having so much fun before 3:30. The rest of the day was equally lovely: we ate food (again, $5 talapia with rice, tomatoes) and  coffee, vanibrowni halado with Laura (again, just fell more in love with this girl as she told us about her plans & her life...she'd one of those people you WANT to listen to, not a gir/dudel who talks a lot about nothing...), then we came back to the hostal to drink some wine & listen to the brothers play music.

I realize I haven't said anything about the 4 girls I'm wisht: Carol (I've written about her before), Fausat ( beautiful afro-reina), Brittany (mentioned her on my first blog), & the coolest little lady who acts like Morgan from Eng. Ed. Cohort so I feel like I've already been in love with her (Kat). I'll write more about them as we get to know each other, but we're all very different so it's a nice balance.

I love Mindo. I WILL come back!!!!!!!